Dear Bill. Where’s My Undo Function?

A conspiracy theorist warned me that Bill Gates would be installing a microchip into Covid vaccines to control my mind.

I am now fully vaccinated, but disappointed to find that the installation of various functions, previously missing from my cognitive processes, has not happened at all.

My husband must have been microchipped a while ago because he has the world’s best DELETE key. He has the most extraordinary ability to just wipe things and never revisit them again. So many conversations go straight to his JUNK folder, that they don’t even have to be deleted.

I am envious of his more advanced version of BRAIN, although this can malfunction from time to time and allow him to access sports trivia. He won’t mind me saying all this. In fact, tomorrow it will be forgotten. 

I would also like to install some of the properties of Zoom and Microsoft Meetings.

The ability to hold meetings remotely has been around for some time but it took a pandemic to really appreciate the range of qualities, for one, the ability to wheel one’s home office chair off screen and sip from a large glass of wine. For many years I have dreamed of this sort of relief in meetings.

I am in love with the MUTE button and the promise of a feature called MANAGE PARTICIPANTS. Hurry Bill! My chairing skills may never be required again.

While you’re working on that microchip, what about REFRESH? It would save me a great deal on beauty treatments to have a REFRESH button.

And let me start every day hearing the Word message, WELCOME BACK! PICK UP WHERE YOU LEFT OFF?

Peter, a colleague, requests some sort of version control that can TRACK CHANGES for all his decisions in life, not just in his documents. He wants to be able to go back in time and make better choices.

And Jules wants a SEARCH function in her head, especially for all the times she walks into a room and asks herself, ‘what the hell did I come in here for?’

How about a personal UNDO button, Bill? We all think it would be wonderful to go back one step, or several steps when we stuff-up royally, so we can just unsay or undo what we did.  

My small pool of respondents consistently told me they would like to have an ESCAPE function in their lives. Or PURGE would do, or even CLEAN UP CONVERSATION. Truly, the world would be a better place. My old IT friend, Bob, said that when it all goes to hell, he would like some sort of CTRL ALT DEL key.

Bill, I know it’s a tall order, but you’re a clever man. I’m sure you can do it.

If you can help rid the world of miserable diseases such as River Blindness, Leprosy, Black Fever, Lymphatic Filariasis, Snail Fever, Trachoma, Polio, Malaria, Sleeping Sickness and Guinea Worm disease, while putting up with wacko conspiracies emanating from other human beings, there’s no telling what you can still achieve.